Have you been thinking about boundaries lately? I'm not surprised if you are, it seems to be a hot topic these days, which you can find all over social media. I have been helping people learn all about boundaries - how to set them and reinforce them, for over 20 years. Some of my clients call me the 'Boundary Queen", a nickname I wear proudly - although I'm not sure if it's a compliment or if they're calling me a hard ass?!?
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the lines that define where you end and others begin. They exist in various aspects of our lives, including physical, emotional, mental, financial, sexual, and even spiritual. While some boundaries are culturally accepted and unspoken, personal boundaries are more nuanced and specific to individual needs and desires.
Our world is made up of boundaries and most of them are unspoken - we've been taught as children to mind these boundaries - such as how loud to speak in public, how close to stand to strangers, what respect means, driving speed limits, etc. If you think about how you go about your day, you'll see that your entire day is following societal' s or personal boundaries.
The biggest challenge is those pesky personal boundaries where our internal critic will tell us 'you should say yes' or 'you can't say no'. It's these personal boundaries that we struggle the most with because it means voicing our needs, wants and desires and in sharing them, we risk someone rejecting them. That feels scary, so we don't take the risk and hope that people will somehow magically guess our needs, wants and desires so we don't need to set a boundary. And you know that this leads to - constant disappointment because 99% of people are terrible guessers.
Signs that You Need Boundaries
Tunning into yourself can be a gold mine of opportunities to set boundaries - having boundaries increases self-esteem, enrichens relationships and allows you to feel in control of your life. If you find yourself experiencing anger, resentment, constant rumination, or exhaustion, these may be signs that your boundaries have been crossed. Anger and frustration often arise when our needs and wants are neglected or disregarded. Resentment can stem from constantly sacrificing our own desires for the sake of others. If you constantly think about a situation but never take action, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries. And if you feel exhausted from constantly people-pleasing and overcompensating, it's time to establish boundaries.
How to set boundaries
When it comes to setting boundaries, it's important to start small. Trying to tackle the biggest boundary challenges in your life right away can lead to frustration and disappointment. Instead, begin by identifying the people and situations in your life that require boundaries. Make a list of these areas and break them down into manageable steps.
Practicing Saying No
One of the most crucial aspects of setting boundaries is learning to say no. Start by practicing small no's in everyday situations. For example, decline offers that don't align with your preferences, even if it seems insignificant. This helps you build the confidence and assertiveness needed to set boundaries in more significant areas of your life.
We often underestimate the compounding growth of small steps - all the small no's can increase your confidence in setting those bigger boundaries. Lean into the discomfort of those no's and experience the feelings in your body - perhaps some worry and anxiety that saying no will result in major relationship wounds, but you will discover that most people will respect your small no's.
If It's Not 100% Yes, then It's a No
A golden rule for setting boundaries is that if something isn't a resounding yes, it's a no. Avoid using "maybe" as it invites others to persuade you into saying yes. Remember when you were a child and you asked your mom for something and her response was 'maybe'. What did you do? I'd hazard to guess that you took that as an invitation to convince her to say yes.
Instead, take the time to consider your needs and evaluate whether saying yes would require sacrifices or lead to resentment. Be clear and assertive in your responses, and if you need time to think, let the person know you'll get back to them. If you need time to think about your 'yes', then tell someone you'll get back to them - that you need some time to think about the request or you have to double check your schedule. Delay your 'yes' to ensure that you've assessed the ask and whether you can or want to commit to it.
Communicating Your Needs
Setting boundaries involves clear communication about your needs and desires. Avoid making assumptions and expecting others to guess what you want. Instead, express your needs lovingly and compassionately. Share how certain behaviours or actions make you feel and suggest alternative ways of interacting that align with your boundaries.
Embrace Imperfection
Remember that setting boundaries is a messy process. It may feel uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing at first, but it's essential for your well-being and the health of your relationships. Take one small step at a time, embrace imperfection, and be patient with yourself. Building your boundary muscle takes time and practice.
Setting boundaries is a powerful act of self-care and self-respect. It allows you to prioritize your needs and protect your emotional well-being. By starting small, practicing saying no, and communicating your needs, you can take control of your life and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
If you want more information, listen to the full podcast episode HERE
Be Bold, Be Brave, Be Well
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